The stick didn't turn blue, I didn't try to jump out a window — I call that progress

Hate babies, don't read

I had this friend who said she just woke up one morning and knew she was pregnant. She was only like a week pregnant and hadn't been trying but just knew. And of course she was right.

So this morning when I had about ten dreams that I peed on a stick and saw the results I wanted, I decided to take a pregnancy test, because I figured you never know.

Obviously the result was as expected. — negative.

What I wasn't expecting was my reaction.

I didn't really have one.

When I took my first pregnancy test about a year ago, it was the first I'd ever taken in my entire life. I was shaking and nervous and honestly, given our family history, really expecting it to be positive even though we'd only been trying one month. It was, obviously, negative and I wasn't that bummed.

A year later and countless tests later, taking pregnancy tests has become a high stress, break out in a cold sweat, feel like I'm going to vomit, kind of ordeal. I've tried taking them when extremely happy or extremely sad, hoping the results (which I always suspect will be negative) won't effect me too much.

Nothing really works, it always pretty much sucks.

So, I took the test this morning, hopped in the shower and then got out and realized I hadn't thrown the test away, it was then that I realized that I hadn't felt anything when I took it — other than the fact that I really had to pee since it was 8 a.m.

Am I becoming numb to infertility? I doubt it. But I think it might finally be getting easier on me.

Since I last updated the world on operation babycas things have gotten worse. MC and I got more bad test results and are being sent to a specialist with a two-month waiting list. Until then I'm still on poop-tastic drug one and start poop-tastic drug two later this week.

But some things have happened since those negative test results that have, I guess, changed my perspective. 1. I saw a baby spit up yesterday all over his mom. Um, yeah I kinda forgot how babies are totally gross. 2. I've booked four long weekend vacations this summer and in between vacations I have very important things to do like perfect my tan, my margarita and so on, none of which I could do with child 3. I realized that indeed there are two people in this and the other person happens to be really important to me and sometimes if for no other reason, I have to be strong for him. And by the way that him happens to be an awesome musician who will begin performing live again this Saturday. (Ah, I know, how hot is that?!?).

Anyway, I don't know exactly my point of putting all of this out there except that I need everyone to know that I'm okay. I'm not pregnant but I'm okay.