T'was the night before Thanksgiving

Many moons ago (aka 3 years ago) when I still worked for a big, evil corporation that paid me big bucks to write about anything I wanted and oh yeah GO SHOPPING (yeah, the only evil part is how they laid me off, but given that I spent most of my time on the clock at T.J. Maxx I kinda get it. Too good to be true.) I wrote this advice column (yes, this actually went in the paper. Note how my byline is pre-marriage).

The biggest bar night of the year is fast approaching and so I thought if there is anyone heading to their hometown for the occassion I'd dig up this golden oldie and share my wisdom.

The truly hilarious part of me writing this is that I did exactly the opposite of everything I wrote in here and somehow ended up getting a husband out of the evening. So, come to think of it, maybe that's why I got laid off. My advice sucks.

Anyway, enjoy, if nothing else you'll get a laugh and hey if things go really well, you'll get a husband!

Recipe for disaster

Enjoy, but don't embarrass, yourself on the year's biggest bar night - Thanksgiving eve

By Emily Smith

NOISE

It was a Thanksgiving eve in the not-too-distant past. It couldn't have been midnight yet when I noticed my best friend sitting on her ex-boyfriend's lap at the table next to ours.

Obviously things were hazy because I didn't remember her leaving our table. Not able to do much, I just smiled and waved. She shrugged and proceeded to spill her drink on him. Accidently.

I turned just in time to see her college friend, who she had brought to the bar with us, kick aside her chair and start making out with another guy from our high school. I didn't know where to look. Fellow bar patrons (including our entire group of friends from high school, former teachers, my parents' best friends and most likely some city officials) cheered and hooted as the pair continued to make out like the ship was going down.

I turned to my best friend's older brother. Although speechless, we were able to laugh; actually, it was more like school-girl giggles.

This was embarrassing.

It always starts so innocently. A couple of friends meet up in their hometown, head to the local bar figuring they'll run into a few people from their glory days back in high school, chat, have some beers and head home to sleep before the big feast the next day. But somehow things are never that simple.

From bouts of karaoke to much more reputation-damaging events (which I won't mention), I am not immune to the hometown bar embarrassment. There is no real explanation for why these things happen but I have to think this year will be different.

To help myself and hopefully others prevent some mistakes of Thanksgiving eves past, I've come up with some "don'ts" for the big bar night back home.

1. Don't drink so much.

Yeah, what a shocker. If you're going to drink though, at least stick to one form of alcohol. It's a known fact the more you mix, the more trouble you cause.

2. Don't sit on anyone's lap.

Honestly is there really a chair shortage happening? Ex-boyfriend, current boyfriend, a guy dressed as Santa at the bar - no matter what, avoid laps. It draws attention and at our age is just unnecessary.

3. Don't make out with anyone.

There are very few places where PDAs don't draw serious attention. So, unless you plan on hanging out at Rick's in East Lansing the night before Thanksgiving, avoid making out in public. This also prevents accidental make-outs with past teachers or former dorks, who have disguised themselves as stock brokers.

4. Don't make a big deal out of your job.

Yes, it is cool that you have a job with benefits and a 401(k) and that you love it. But the more you talk about it, the more people are convinced that you hate your life. Even if you don't, it sounds that way. Use this rule when it comes to your significant other and kids, too.

5. Don't mention your therapist.

Sure, a lot of people see a therapist but don't let anyone from high school think they might be to blame by bringing it up.

6. Don't be mean to your designated driver.

Even if you hate him or her, they are the only thing between you and a DUI (turkey dinner behind bars can not be good) or you having to call your mom to pick you up from the bar. Take the ride and keep your lips zipped.

7. Don't tell anyone off.

Doing this in a bar is not the right time or place. And honestly if you still feel the need to tell someone off from high school maybe you should see a therapist or up your visits.

8. Don't worry.

The night is supposed to be fun. It's a great opportunity to catch up with old friends and party like it's 1999. Worst-case scenario? You make a fool of yourself. Who cares? You don't live there anyway and Christmas in Florida is always a nice option.